Hey guys ive been trying for the past 2 hours, trying to figure out whats wrong with my Accord.. it was working fine yesterday.. but when i went to start her up.. the engine started for like 2 seconds then she just turned off... the battery has no power wat so ever left in it.. and im dead sure that all doors were shut properly and lights were turned off.. when i went to recharge the battery.. no sparks appeard and the battery wont recharge .. when i tried turning on the lights it made a weird noise and it was dim.. and whenever i pressed the remote to unlock and lock the doors it made a ticking noise.. now my doors wont unlock anymore.. is this

Battery problem?
Immobiliser problem?
Alternator problem?
or Fuse problem?

well im not an expert at cars, these are wat my friend told me could be wrong with my car.. oh i cant get car leads to recharge the car from another car, since my car is stuck in a single garage. and i cant stick her into neutral (auto) to roll her out of the garage. i need help.. i got uni tomorow.. any info would be much appreciated