factually incorrect F1 preview

**^^v** · 09-03-2006 09:51 PM

the Alonso one is gold ahahahahaaa

RENAULT
Drivers: Fernand O'Lonso, Fizzy Keller
Chances of winning anything: Sturdy
Top fact: As a present for winning the 2005 World Championship, Renault F1 presented Alonso with a new shaving mirror. "It was only then I realised for much of the season I had missed a little bit on my chin," the Spanish driver admitted. "I must have looked like a complete twat," he quipped.

McLAREN
Drivers: Kim E. Raikkkonen, Wan Pablo Montoya
Chances of winning anything: Bendy
Top fact: With his seemingly unflappable character and emotionless voice, Raikkonen is rightly known as 'the iceman'. With his erratic form and large rolls of fat, Montoya is rightly known as 'the piesman'.

FERRARI
Drivers: Mike Schumacher, Phil Massa
Chances of winning anything: Stiff
Top fact: Schumacher is famed for his ability to multitask during a race. For example, during the '05 Hungarian GP telemetry reports showed that the he used the 'quieter laps' to read a magazine, phone his friend Steve and write a letter to the Radio Times asking for more repeats of Bergerac.

TOYOTA
Drivers: Ralph Schwiggum, Jarno Truly
Chances of winning anything: Milky
Top fact: As befits their claimed status as the team with the most money in F1, Toyota have a sometimes lavish approach to engineering. For example, the new TF106 has a panda skin steering wheel, rhinoceros foreskin pedal faces, and the tyres are filled with the breath of Liam Neeson.

WILLIAMS
Drivers: Mark Webbbber, Nick O'Rosberg
Chances of winning anything: Smooth
Top fact: New to the team is Keke Rosberg's son Nico who was named after a film in which Steven Seagal goes around kicking people in the face. In some countries this movie carried a different title, but Above The Law Rosberg would have sounded really stupid.

HONDA
Drivers: Jensen Buttoon, Rubens Limoncello
Chances of winning anything: Hefty
Top fact: How will Button and Barrichello get along? Well there's an old saying in F1 that goes, 'If you want results, make sure your other driver is an amiable perma-cheery Brazilian who sometimes looks like he's got special needs'.

RED BULL
Drivers: Crazy Dave Coulthard, Christian Clean
Chances of winning anything: Wiry
Top fact: Last season Crazy Dave had a new 'don't give a shit' attitude. More surprising of all was that he had ceased to give a shit about being mediocre and instead extracted some impressive results from the Red Bull car. Shame he looked like a tramp.

BMW SAUBER
Drivers: Jacques ****ing Villeneuve, Heidi Nickfeld
Chances of winning anything: Moist
Top fact: Jacques ****ing Villeneuve used to go out with Danni Minogue who was recently depicted in the British press engaged in lesbionic activities. And with Villeneuve as his team mate, Heidfeld is another person who is going to be spending a lot of time very close to a twat.

MIDLAND MF1
Drivers: Austin Montiego, Chjrijijiajn Albjers
Chances of winning anything: Skinny
Top fact: Midland have inserted the 'MF1' bit into their name after too many people confused them with what is now known as the HSBC bank and kept asking them for a free Griffin pencil case with compass and protractor set. Driving round in an actual bank might be faster.

SCUDERIA TORRO ROSSO
Drivers: Vitantintantontio Liuzzi, Scoot Spedd
Chances of winning anything: Flimsy
Top fact: Scuderia Torro Rosso is just Italian for Team Red Bull. Interestingly however, in some ancient South American languages it literally translates as 'thank Christ Aguri has turned up, now we won't be right at the back all the time'.

STUPID AGURI
Drivers: Takuma Satoh no! Eric Idle
Chances of winning anything: None
Top fact: Rumours persist that Aguri are not a real team but were invented by Bernard Ecclestone to provide some accident prone comedy during the middle bit of the season when everyone's bored. To this end, hopefully Sato will continue his '05 form when he appeared to think he was in a banger race.